I am a very strong independent Aboriginal woman that has overcome many challenges in my life and I am sure there will be many more to come. I have been blessed with many positives in the last few years and my journey has been amazing. Recently, the strength I carry has been put to the test and I am left wondering what lesson I am being taught.
Two weeks ago, my third pregnancy ended suddenly overnight...
I had just found out I was pregnant two weeks before that, we were so excited but also a bit nervous because Hunter was only 10 months old, which meant he would only be around 18 months old when his sibling arrived. Over the next two weeks we had talked ourselves into the fact that yes it would be busy and stressful at times but it would be worth it when they are a little older and become friends that do everything together. We thought it would be so much fun for Hunter to have someone to grow up with because Clayton and I both have siblings that we grew up with and are close to and David always felt that he was missing something when he was growing up not having a brother or sister.
The first thing people say to you when this is happening to you is how common it is. Yes, it is common... from what I am told one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, which is fairly common. However, knowing this does not help ease the sadness, confusion and feelings of inadequacy that you feel when you go through this, at least it didn't for me. I grieved for my little tiny sweet pea as if it was a full grown baby, thoughts of what may have been take over your mind and you are not able to focus on anything but this for a while. I had to work through feelings of sadness and tears. Then guilt thinking that I did something wrong; am I under too much stress, did we try too soon? Then anger because I let myself get so excited about it and maybe I shouldn't have. Then confusion wondering if I will ever be able to get pregnant again. Then defeat not knowing if I will ever be able to go through this again. Then I felt a little self conscious that I was being silly about something so common. Finally I started to accept that this happens and it doesn't mean it will happen again and that I can't have another baby. As you can see there were many emotions that I went through and no matter what I felt or why I felt them, they are my emotions and there is nothing wrong with them. How I dealt with it is how I deal and everyone deals with things differently. Don't ever be afraid to feel what you feel and don't be afraid to say how you feel... nobody can judge you for your feelings. I am thankful for having Clayton in my life everyday but definitely through situations like this, I couldn't ask for a more caring and understanding partner who rearranged his schedule the day of to be with me and took me out to take my mind off of it. He always seems to know exactly what he needs to do, he's gifted that way.
So what lesson am I being taught here? My belief is everything happens for a reason, so what is the reason for this? The reasons are not always clear why something happens to us in the immediate, however in the future days, weeks, months or years... the reason always shows up. This always helps me when working through a difficult situation. Perhaps our loss will help someone reading this through a difficult time they are having... I know for sure that it was not for nothing.
Our little angel would have been born around Easter... my thoughts were that it was going to be a girl even though I was scared to death to have a girl because I didn't want her to be like I was growing up but I know one thing for sure, I could have taught her to be a very strong, independent Aboriginal woman... I gave her a name and prayed for her return back to the spirit world, a place that I don't totally understand but someone told me that her spirit will be first in line the next time. I hope this is true.