The Aquarium

"Mommy, I miss Nana"

My 3 year old told me he missed his Nana today on the way to preschool and asked to go see the fish in her room.  I broke down, usually I can handle this and tell him I miss her too.  I tell him even though she is gone to the spirit world, that she is always with us. That he can talk to her anytime he wants and she will hear him.

The fish he was referring to are the ones in the aquarium at the cancer clinic.  The cancer clinic is a bright room that overlooks a courtyard in the middle of the hospital, when you walk through the acute care wing, you turn down the hallway on the right and arrive to a big room on the left.  When you walk in the first thing you notice is a fish aquarium that sits underneath the wall of windows straight ahead, there is a chair for family members on either side of the tank.  There are fish in there swimming about, back and forth, back and forth.  

On your immediate left is the nurses desk, a kind chemotherapy nurse is there.  Waiting for the next patient to arrive.  There are 4 big patient chairs in the room, each with their own IV stand beside them.  Two on the left side of the room, two on the right.  The IV stands hold bags of medicine with a UV protection bag covering them-that's the chemotherapy medicine.  The tubes from the bags run down the stand and into the arm or chest of the patient in the chair.  Just beyond the chairs on the right was a patient bathroom.  I hate hospitals, but this room's bright light and being able to see greenery outside made it tolerable.  The energy in there though, punched you in the gut when you walked through the door.

When I brought my Mom to this room for the first time, it was just her and I.  She had just healed from her surgery that implanted a port-o-cath just beneath her skin on the right side of her chest.  This was for easier and quicker access to the main vein for chemotherapy delivery.  The nurse directed her to her chair and explained the process to her and I.  I watched my Mom intently as she listened to the nurse's instructions and made sure she understood.  She had already lost her hair from 5 days straight of full brain radiation three weeks earlier and was wearing her favorite green toque to match her pale green sweater and colorful flowery scarf.  Mom always loved to dress up nice when she left the house, going to a chemotherapy appointment was no different.  Between the brain tumor and the radiation of her brain, Mom sometimes had a hard time remembering things so I made sure I was listening too.  Mom smiled and agreed with everything Nurse Faith was saying, my gosh she was so beautiful.  

Despite the circumstances, Mom made sure she was always friendly and smiling.  Being a nurse for 40 years, she had a soft spot for other nurses.  She treated everyone with such kindness and respect.  Another Nurse Leah inserted a needle into Mom's port-o-cath and couldn't quite get through the skin, she was being gentle.  Faith came over to help and popped the needle through Mom's skin and she didn't even flinch, she looked at me flinching and told me it didn't hurt.  Mom didn't want me to worry about her at all. The other three seats were occupied with patients either dozing off or reading a book.  I smiled at all of them, but I couldn't help but feel sorry that they were there, that we were there.  As Mom settled into her chair and the drip began slowly entering her body through her chest, I looked to her for comfort when I should have been providing her comfort.  She smiled and I fake smiled back.  I looked at the fish, they swam back and forth, back and forth.  

A memory from my childhood flashed through my mind.  We were in Florida, December 1989.  It was the year our family and another family went to Disney World and Florida keys for Christmas.  I was 10, my brothers 15 and 18.  We drove there from Nova Scotia, my Dad never flew us anywhere that he could drive to, even if it meant driving through snow storms all along the Eastern seaboard.  I am sure Mom probably freaked out a few times on the way down.  We spent four days in Disney then moved from a hotel to a condo in Key Largo, it was Christmas time and I don't remember much of that trip except for the fish.  There was a canal between rows of houses and condos.  Every property had water access for boats.  The condo sat on stilts, carport underneath and just behind the carport was an in ground swimming pool.  Around the swimming pool you could walk down some stairs and you would be standing over the water on a wooden dock, or was it a wharf?  I don't know the difference.  I remember standing there, in awe, of all of the beautifully colored fish swimming around in the crystal clear water.  There were blue fish, purple fish, yellow fish, orange and white fish.  Just swimming about, back and forth, back and forth.  

I was feeling pretty happy in that moment, remembering our family together.  I was brought back to the chemotherapy dripping into my Mom's chest.  She had her eyes closed now and I could only imagine what she was thinking about.  I know she was so hopeful that she would get better.  I wanted to be hopeful too but my intuition was preparing me for the worst.

(to be continued...) 

Baby, Pirates and Grads.

Hi!  Well I see it's been a whole year since my last post... I have sat down six times in the last year to post and left it unfinished every time... life just kind of takes over sometimes and you have little time to yourself, then when you do have a moment, it is fleeting and sitting down not thinking is the best way to unwind.  My apologies to those that had been following my blog.

I am happy to say that since my last post, we conceived, carried and had another baby boy.  His name is Chase Joseph George Bennett and he is the sweetest little baby boy (aside from my other boys when they were babies...lol) that I have ever met!  So yes, if you have been keeping count... that's three boys for us!  So at 35 years old with three boys ages 17, 2 and 3 months I am also happy to say that I am done having babies... I am still open to adoption of a girl if the opportunity came up one day however, at this time we are not pursuing that avenue.  I am off on a maternity leave until next June and well there are some exciting things in our future but I am not ready to share with the world, just yet.  Let's just say there are big changes coming for us and I hope you will enjoy the journey with us!

Hunter just turned two and we had a pirate themed birthday party for him and his buddies.  I am going to write another blog about that one because I am just so happy with how everything turned out.  Hunter is a very sweet little boy who has alot of energy and keeps us all on our toes as any toddler should.  He loves his brothers and his Daddy to pieces, he likes his mom alot too but ever since his little brother came along, he definitely has gravitated toward his Dad.  He talks all day long and is starting to make sense of his words and getting so big and tall!

David started grade 12 this year and I am so excited for him to be on the homestretch heading toward graduation and ending his high school journey.  He will not yet be 18 when he graduates next year and I am so proud of him considering that it took me an extra couple years after my 18th birthday to graduate high school.  He has plans for college too, taking a trade of some sort, but he isn't sure what yet.  He works two days a week this year making some extra cash and gaining hours toward his apprenticeship.  When I think about seeing him graduate this year, I tear up.  I am going to be a basketcase, I can guarantee it.

Anyway, that's the quick update... I am off to watch a movie with David and his friends.  I hope (fingers crossed) to come back and keep up with the writing as it is something that I love to do... when I have time.

 

Everything happens for a reason... right?

Thanks everyone who was following my journey in the peaceful parenting challenge... unfortunately the last month has been a little more than one person can handle and I wasn't able to find some time to participate in the challenges let alone blog about it.  There are many things I learned from the challenge that I will take with me and implement as I move forward in my life as not only a mother to two beautiful boys or partner to one very kind, caring, amazing, handsome man but also a strong Aboriginal woman.

I am a very strong independent Aboriginal woman that has overcome many challenges in my life and I am sure there will be many more to come.  I have been blessed with many positives in the last few years and my journey has been amazing.  Recently, the strength I carry has been put to the test and I am left wondering what lesson I am being taught.

Two weeks ago, my third pregnancy ended suddenly overnight... 

I had just found out I was pregnant two weeks before that, we were so excited but also a bit nervous because Hunter was only 10 months old, which meant he would only be around 18 months old when his sibling arrived.  Over the next two weeks we had talked ourselves into the fact that yes it would be busy and stressful at times but it would be worth it when they are a little older and become friends that do everything together.  We thought it would be so much fun for Hunter to have someone to grow up with because Clayton and I both have siblings that we grew up with and are close to and David always felt that he was missing something when he was growing up not having a brother or sister.  

The first thing people say to you when this is happening to you is how common it is.  Yes, it is common... from what I am told one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, which is fairly common.  However, knowing this does not help ease the sadness, confusion and feelings of inadequacy that you feel when you go through this, at least it didn't for me.  I grieved for my little tiny sweet pea as if it was a full grown baby, thoughts of what may have been take over your mind and you are not able to focus on anything but this for a while.  I had to work through feelings of sadness and tears.  Then guilt thinking that I did something wrong; am I under too much stress, did we try too soon?  Then anger because I let myself get so excited about it and maybe I shouldn't have.  Then confusion wondering if I will ever be able to get pregnant again.  Then defeat not knowing if I will ever be able to go through this again.  Then I felt a little self conscious that I was being silly about something so common.  Finally I started to accept that this happens and it doesn't mean it will happen again and that I can't have another baby.  As you can see there were many emotions that I went through and no matter what I felt or why I felt them, they are my emotions and there is nothing wrong with them.  How I dealt with it is how I deal and everyone deals with things differently.  Don't ever be afraid to feel what you feel and don't be afraid to say how you feel... nobody can judge you for your feelings.  I am thankful for having Clayton in my life everyday but definitely through situations like this, I couldn't ask for a more caring and understanding partner who rearranged his schedule the day of to be with me and took me out to take my mind off of it.  He always seems to know exactly what he needs to do, he's gifted that way.

So what lesson am I being taught here?  My belief is everything happens for a reason, so what is the reason for this?  The reasons are not always clear why something happens to us in the immediate, however in the future days, weeks, months or years... the reason always shows up.  This always helps me when working through a difficult situation.  Perhaps our loss will help someone reading this through a difficult time they are having... I know for sure that it was not for nothing.

Our little angel would have been born around Easter... my thoughts were that it was going to be a girl even though I was scared to death to have a girl because I didn't want her to be like I was growing up but I know one thing for sure, I could have taught her to be a very strong, independent Aboriginal woman... I gave her a name and prayed for her return back to the spirit world, a place that I don't totally understand but someone told me that her spirit will be first in line the next time.  I hope this is true.

Watch your language!

Welcome to the Peaceful Parenting Challenge Blog Carnival: Week #7-Watch Your Language
This post was written for inclusion in the 10 Week Peaceful Parenting Challenge Blog Carnival hosted by Prenatal to Parenting. This week our participants have written about using positive language with others. We hope you enjoy this week’s posts and consider joining us next week when we share about a week of unplugging.

It is a well known fact that if you change your language from negative to a positive it has more impact than if you say it negatively.  Negative language can cause defensiveness in the person you are speaking to and this communication can be halted quite quickly because of it.

This week's focus was on positive language, I recognize that my communication with my teenager can be quite difficult because his negative manner of speaking affects me and my responses which causes defensiveness in him and we get into a place where neither of us are listening to each other.  I find our relationship building opportunities are quite limited because he, much like his mother was at his age, spends alot of time with his friends rather than being at home.  When he is at home, he can often be heard saying, "its so boring here" or, "there's nothing to do in this house" and the like.   Usually these comments make me say things like, "Life is what you make it!" or "You wouldn't have liked where I grew up!".  This week I tried really hard to have positive conversations with my teen that did not turn into bickering back and forth.  David is my first child and as you know it was just he and I for alot of years before Clayton and then Hunter came into our lives.  I always say that David and I grew up together, I am only 18 years older than him, some people's siblings are only 18 years older or younger than them and we often get mistaken for brother and sister (it doesn't help he is way taller than me).  We are alike in many ways and I love him more than he will ever know but there are many times that I don't like what he says or how he says things and this causes me to say things that he doesn't like... so who needs to change their language?  Me of course!  I am the parent.

Teenage brains are weird, as I have talked about in an earlier post; adolescent brains are immature in the decision making and logic department which cause many decisions to be made based on impulse and emotions.  I continuously have to remind myself this when interacting with him and not freak out when he is telling me about something he has done that is less than appropriate.  Let's not forget he is also a boy... boys tend to not think about consequences at all before they act.  So, I try my hardest not to get angry with him, instead appreciating the fact that he is honest, open and shares everything with me when either he wants to because he thinks its funny or I ask him what he's been up to.  One area of contension is when he fails to check in with me when he is out.  Usually if it has been a while, I immediately get upset and send him a "where the heck are you?" or "if your not going to check in, get your ass home now!" message to which he always responds with "Sorry, I am with so and so".  I feel sorry is tossed around too much, you aren't really sorry if you do it over and over again, so I will carry on to say "Don't tell me you are sorry, show me you are sorry by not doing it again!"  This week, I tried something different... when he failed to check in, I sent him a text and said, "How are you doing?" and when he answered I told him it was great to hear from him and I get scared and upset when he hasn't checked in for a while because I worry that he is hurt or lost.  I tried to have him understand why I get angry, instead of just getting angry.  Guess what, he has been checking in more regularly these days.  Just one easy positive step can make changes for the better!  When Mama bear is not angry, David bear is not angry and everyone gets along. 

I feel that I could definitely benefit from watching my language, especially around my teen, but also with my entire family.  I will continue to work on changing the way to communicate with my family.

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
Tips for making the Positive Comments outweigh the negative in your child’s day -Sarah from Prenatal to Parentingshares a startling stat and asks for your help in changing the numbers.
How to talk to your kids – Amy from The Connection We Sharediscovers the power of using positive language with your kids.
Watch Your Words- Amber from Strocel.comfeels better about her parenting when she’s using more positive language.

The Power of Words - Peaceful Parenting Challenge Week 7 - Katrina from Kalem Photography is trying to figure out positive phrasing for some things she’d like her 2 year old to stop doing.

Week 7 - Watch Your Language!– Amanda from Sticky Handssuggests we start saying out loud things you love and things you want to happen.
Language and Distractions- Peaceful Parenting Challenge: Week 7 -Kathryn from Curiosity and the Kat is a bit distracted.

Positive Transitions

Welcome to the Peaceful Parenting Challenge Blog Carnival: Week #6 – Developing Positive Self-Talk
This post was written for inclusion in the 10 Week Peaceful Parenting Challenge Blog Carnival hosted by Prenatal to Parenting. This week our participants have written about Developing Positive Self-Talk. We hope you enjoy this week’s posts and consider joining us next week when we share about a week of Watching Our Language.

Well this week I returned to work and since I am a child protection social worker who has been off on maternity leave for 14 months, I definitely needed more positive self talk, which is what this week's challenge was about.  You know that little annoying voice in your head that runs a commentary for everything you do in your life?  The one that is not always positive and can sometimes be negative, bringing you down.  The more you change this commentary to positive, the better things will get.  Try it!  It can be something as simple as looking in the mirror in the morning and instead of thinking about what you hate about yourself, tell yourself how beautiful you are.  Every morning I have woken up early enough to have 15 minutes to sit and listen to some positive affirmations and meditate.  This has definitely supported my transition back to work in a healthy way.

The transition so far has not been as difficult as I had anticipated.  Leaving Hunter at home with Daddy sure makes things easier on me, knowing Hunter is with one of his favorite peeps who has the same parenting style as me makes me worry less about him for sure.  The drive to work has been good, it is still summer traffic so it seems to be better than when September hits and kids go back to school.  I am back to enjoying my morning show on the radio and giggling at the conversations.  I had a couple of boxes of stuff that I had stored over the last 14 months so I was able to get an office, unpack my stuff and make it my own space again; organized and comfortable with soft lighting.  It is important to make your space comfortable, especially since you spend so much time there.  My computer and phone was set up, got a new work cell phone.  Everything has been falling into place, I am taking over another social worker's caseload and she is easing me into it with a couple transfer meetings per day to introduce me to her families.  Things have been going good, I still feel like my knowledge that I accumulated prior to going on a leave is all jumbled up in my head somewhere and has to come out in order for me to do my job to the standard that I hold for myself.  It is not easy work and it requires organization, patience, time management, self care, compassion, empathy, assertiveness and knowledge.  I feel like the first seven skills required are a given and I have them at the ready when needed... it's the knowledge that I know I have but like I said, I am having a hard time bringing it back.  

So, I have been gentle with myself and allowing myself the time needed for it to come back, I cannot expect it to be back the first week I go to work.  Thus, positive self talk has been coming quite in handy this week.  I have done this before, I have done it well and I can do it well again.  I WILL do it well.  I know what I am doing, I have to give it time and it will all come back.

Emotions can cause you think negatively about your parenting skills; I remember when David was young, I was also young and people around me inadvertantly (or at times advertantly) made me feel like I was a bad mom, so I remember constantly feeling guilty because I was a bad mom. My age and maturity level did not allow me to process criticism as a positive thing or the people that criticized me didn't know how to do it positively, either way it was a challenge. Truth is, I was the best mom I knew how to be given the circumstances I was in and other people's judgements are their own.  It took me a long time to learn this important lesson. Some people felt that I should know what to do I guess and I really didn't. I had to learn how to be a mother and for alot of people, this does not come naturally to them so I had to learn that this is ok. Learning positive self talk back then would have helped me take the criticisms better, fight away the guilt and would have supported me in a much better way while I learned how to care for my boy as we grew up together.

Being a full time working mom can be daunting but for me working all day has made me appreciate the shorter amount of time I have with my kids in the evening and want to make sure the time spent with them is quality time. A positive short time with them is better than a long negative time any day.

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

Affirmations– Sarah from Prenatal to Parenting turns anger into Peaceful Parenting Affirmations for herself.
Week #6- developing Positive Self Talk– Jennifer from Children’s Directory says yes every day for a year.
Positive Self Talk – Peaceful Parenting Challenge – Week 6 - Katrina from Kalem Photography has been developing positive self-talk for about 30 years.
Positive Self-Talk – Ricky from Daddy Blogger is feeling more comfortable with this week’s challenge.
Week 6 - Positive Self Talk– Amanda from Sticky Hands practices positive self-talk out loud for the benefit of her most important audience.
Peaceful Parenting: Week 6 - I am NOT an Independent Woman ... and that is okay.-Kathryn from Curiosity and the Kat reminds herself it’s ok to ask for help.
I am a good mother – Michelle from My Peaceful Parenting praises herself when she doesn’t lose it.

Being present can bring great gifts.

Welcome to the Peaceful Parenting Challenge Blog Carnival: Week #5 – Practicing Presence

This post was written for inclusion in the 10 Week Peaceful Parenting Challenge Blog Carnival hosted by Prenatal to Parenting. This week our participants have written about Practicing Presence.. We hope you enjoy this week’s posts and consider joining us next week when we share about a week of Developing Positive Self-Talk.

This week was definitely a challenge, being present in the moment was hard for me as this is my last week at home.  As difficult as it was, I can say on several occasions, I successfully stopped thinking about things that I have to get done and faced my partner or children when they were talking to me or wanting my attention but I still have tons of work to do to be present.

I can remember a few months back when Hunter started to become more aware of his surroundings before he could sit up or roll over, I vowed to put the cell phone away while he was awake.  I had gotten into the habit of browsing the internet or Facebook while breastfeeding when he was super little, this habit has been hard to break.  I also played a lot of scrabble on Facebook every chance I could get to play a word or two.  Then, I read an article about children being fascinated in what we are fascinated in, if our faces are always in our phones or computers, then of course the kids are going to want to see and touch them as well.  I didn't want to be that Mom that was so busy watching her phone or computer that she wasn't seeing the greatness in her kids.  So most of the time, I do leave my phone away from me so I am not constantly looking at it but I still have trouble putting it down if someone has texted me or sent me an email and if I open Facebook, well that is 5 to 10 minutes I will never get back.  All of those can wait, especially when the baby is sitting right here in front of me, talking to me, crawling around, pointing at things, making endless facial expressions, standing on his own, etc.  So many things happen so quickly when they are babies, they learn something new everyday and if I am busy in my own little world, I will miss it.  I missed a lot of things with David when he was little because I was so busy trying to make a life for us as well as maintain a social life, I have great memories of when he was a young boy and things we did together but memories from when he was a baby and a toddler are few and far between.  David is a teenager now and chooses when he wants to talk to me.  Often times is when I am busy with his brother but I will stop what I am doing and make time for him because even though he doesn't care to interact with us as often as he used to, what he has to say is important, and its important I pay attention.

One way that we have always managed to do in my family is to sit down together at dinner time and chat about the day we had, what was good about it and what wasn't so good.  Hunter learned to chew early, way before he had teeth, he would sit in his high chair and watch us talk and eat our dinner.  Babies learn a lot from watching us so its important to role model good behaviors.  Sitting down and connecting with one another in our busy lives is super important to me and Clayton, we both come from families where sitting down to eat a meal together is a necessity and definitely an opportunity to be present with your family.  Another way we connect is taking short walks together, without the cell phone, around the neighborhood, enjoying the sights and saying hello to neighbors.  We have no choice but to be present with each other while we walk.

This challenge has taught me that while we do have regular, daily opportunities to be present... I still have some work to do to be present, stay present and enjoy the little things in life especially now that I am going back to work and my time with my family will be cut quite a bit shorter now.  I promise to work hard, especially in the coming weeks during my transition to work; to meditate, to breathe, to be mindful, to be present, to enjoy the little things and not get caught up on the to do list.  A happy home is not judged by the cleanliness of the inside, the mounds of laundry, the dishes in the kitchen or the mess of the endless yard work outside.  It is judged by the happiness of the people who live there.  So why are we worrying about these things that are never ever finished? Get to it when you get to it.  "If only the people who worry about their liabilities would think about the riches they do possess, they would stop worrying."-Dale Carnegie

If we are present, we can enjoy the gifts presence brings us.

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
Sweet Sleepy Time– Sarah from Prenatal to Parenting realizes that by focusing on all the things that she 'could' be doing she was missing out on what she 'was' doing.
Week 5 Practicing Presence – Jennifer from Children’s Directory finds it’s easier to practice presence when there is no Wi-Fi available.
Being Present – Peaceful Parenting Challenge – Week 5  - Katrina from Kalem Photography learns to listen not only with her ears but also with her heart.
Practicing Presence – Ricky from Daddy Blogger has a wonderful time waiting for the ferry.
Week 5 - Remain present – Amanda from Sticky Hands has got this presence thing nailed.
KICK THE PANTS! - WEEK 5-- LISTEN UP WILL YOU? - Kathryn from Curiosity and the Kat finds it ironic that she’s learned all this before.

Doing One Thing At A Time – Amber from Strocle.com is looking for tips on how to stop multi-tasking.

Mama says good bye to staying at home and checks back into full time social work...

Well as some of you may know, I am going back to work a month early after being off for 14 months, 10 of those months spent with my beautiful baby boy.  So I return to work in a week.  Yikes.  I am sure that many moms go through several emotions about returning to work after spending a year at home with a new baby some of the emotions I have felt have been fear, sadness, anxiety, panic, envy, guilt, excitement and happiness to name a few... I have been rotating through all of these emotions over the last month and then it's been a little more intense when I verbally agreed to go back with my manager.

I am a child protection social worker, and was still very green in my job when I left to have a baby.  I had only been doing it for 16 months and I still felt like I was learning something new everyday.  Someone told me once that it takes about 3 years to feel like you really have it under your belt and yet another person told me that the average "lifespan" of a child protection social worker is 18 months... so while I was nearing the end of the average lifespan when I left, I didn't feel like I was ready to pack it in.  Now, after being off for 14 months I am afraid I won't know how to do my job, I am hoping it comes back to me quickly.  Many things have changed while I was away, people have come and gone, new team leaders, new managers, it will almost be like starting a new job.  

I worry about my little man and how he will adjust but kids always fare better than their parents don't they?  They are so resilient and strong, we could learn a thing or two from children... who just roll with whatever is happening.  I don't think we do our children any favors by protecting them from changes, afterall change is the only for sure thing in life, right?  It's best they get to know change early because if they don't, they won't have the skills needed to deal with it when it does happen.  I feel sad that I will miss things, he changes so quickly and everyday he does something new and I don't want to miss anything... and selfishly, I want to be the first person to witness the new things being his mom and all.  I know this is unrealistic... but it's how I feel.

Once I work through these emotions, which I keep having to do over and over and probably will take some time to get used to being back at work and the transition from being a stay at home mom to full time working mom.  The part that makes me feel good about going back early is that Daddy will be home with him during the days during the most crucial time of transition, the first couple weeks to a month.  Then he will transition to Granny and a friend who will sit for us two days a week.  I think in the long run, he will learn how to adjust quickly and be well rounded because of it.  That's always a good skill to have.

Some things that also help me is to think about; the 20-45 minute drive to and from work by myself to listen to my music as loud as I want, being able to talk to adults for long periods of time without interruptions, taking breaks when I need them, being able to eat... slowly and enjoy it, running errands on my breaks without worrying about packing a diaper bag... haha... seriously?  Who I am kidding, I'm a social worker!  LOL!  Being a social worker can be tough to do any of those things above but taking care of yourself if an important aspect of the job so I do try hard to slow down, take breaks, enjoy the company of my coworkers and get out of the building when needed.  Other important positives that I remind myself of are being able to learn and practice culture and traditions again, supporting others be the best parents they can be, visiting families and all the cute little kiddies and working with community to ensure children are happy and safe :)  I do love my job and I am excited to go back.  The best part will be coming home and seeing my own family and appreciating them for who they are.

I am sure many moms go through all of these emotions when returning to work and work through them in their own way.  I know I will miss being home and life will get a whole lot busier but it will all be worth it I am sure.  Wish me luck!