Just Breathe

 Welcome to the Peaceful Parenting Challenge Blog Carnival: Week #2 Breathe.

This post was written for inclusion in the 10 Week Peaceful Parenting Challenge Blog Carnival hosted by Prenatal to Parenting. This week our participants have written about creating awareness. We hope you enjoy this week’s posts and consider joining us next week when we share about a week of Mindful Breathing.

This week's Peaceful Parenting challenge was pretty easy... to practice mindful breathing.  Ha!  Easier said than done, especially when you are travelling from one end of the country to the other.  I feel like this week was more of a week one where I was still recognizing times where I was being triggered and getting angry or frustrated.  Travelling with a very busy 9 month old can do that to a person!  My first baby was not nearly as busy as my second; my first was happy to just sit and chill out, taking in the sights from a distance where my second wants to see, taste and touch everything he can reach.  This has obviously threw me for a bit of a loop having had many years between babies to conveniently forget what babies are like but then add about 20X more energy to this baby.  It's exhausting!  As I spoke about in my last post, I had some expectations that he would be like my first baby and clearly all babies are different.  This expectation had to be re-evaluated in order for me to enjoy my time with my littlest man.

My week long trip with my boys was anything but relaxing when you take a baby out of his comfort zone and put him into places that aren't necessarily baby proofed.  I felt that I was constantly saying "No!", "Don't touch!" and "Danger!" the whole week.  This stressed me out because you want their curious little minds to develop from their curiosity by touching, feeling, exploring and sometimes tasting their environments.  If this can happen safely, then I just usually let him do it so I felt like I was hindering him from expanding his mind through exploration and discovery.  He was also not as happy as he usually is, most likely because he wasn't allowed to explore as much and because he probably missed his Daddy who didn't come with us.  After travelling back home on a 2-hour then 5-hour flight.  I had time to reflect and resolved to embrace his busy and curious little mind by allowing him to explore his surroundings, as long as it's safe and take him out as much as possible for walks, baby groups and anywhere he can play without interruptions.

So while I still work on recognizing triggers, I also added the mindful breathing technique.  We all breathe because we have to, its an unconscious necessity our body has to do to live.  But have you ever sat and actually breathed and paid attention to your breath?  Try it!  Our challenge this week was to sit comfortably at least three times a day for 2-3 minutes and breathe in and out, paying attention to the breath. saying "in" and "out" as you breathe.  The practice of mindful breathing can reduce stress and increase positive energy in your life.  I have to say, only having done it for a few days... I already feel like I am less stressed and more positive.  I am sure being home has helped too but the act of mindful breathing is definitely something I will add to my daily life to be able to enjoy my busy little baby and my day to day in a more positive light.

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

Teaching My Spirited Son About Deep Breathing – Sarah from Prenatal to Parenting shares some ways to teach kids about deep breathing.

Deep Breathing Challenge Ricky at Daddy Blogger has been practicing and will be putting his deep breathing to the test on his family trip.  

Just Breathe - Peaceful Parenting Challenge - Week 2 - Katrina from Kalem Photography goes up against her incessant need to be busy.

Remember to Breathe – Jennifer from The Children’s Directory discovers how breathing can work with parents-in-laws, friends, partners, co-workers and annoying neighbours as well as children.

Week 2 & Epic Fail -Amanda from Family and Baby Sign Language discovers how challenging it is to find a few minutes to herself.

Breathing On  – Verena from Memory Maker Events talks the difference mindful breathing made in her busy days.

Epic Fail -- Peaceful Parenting Week 2 Challenge 2: Breathe - Kathryn from Curiosity and the Kat wasn’t drawn to deep breathing.

Week #2 Peaceful Parenting Challenge - Michelle from My Peaceful Parenting models deep breathing for her sons.

The two faced Mom in search of Peace

 Welcome to the Peaceful Parenting Challenge Blog Carnival: Week #1 Creating Awareness.

This post was written for inclusion in the 10 Week Peaceful Parenting Challenge Blog Carnival hosted by Prenatal to Parenting. This week our participants have written about creating awareness. We hope you enjoy this week’s posts and consider joining us next week when we share about a week of Mindful Breathing.

Like most people, I wear many hats and have many faces.  I have to change my outward emotions and expressions for each situation even if the inward emotions and expressions don't match.  I often do this at work, with friends and acquaintances but how often do we change ourselves for our family, the people closest to us often take the brunt of our real emotions.  How come we are able to mask what we are really feeling in certain situations and able to handle things much better than we can with the people we love the most??  Mostly because we are comfortable with them and we need to have someone in our lives that we can be real with and not have to worry about holding things in, right?  Well, if you are going to care about controlling your emotions better with anyone... it should be the ones that you love and hold close to your heart... like my partner and children.  The ones who will be near and dear to me for the rest of my life, I would like to think that the rest of my life is going to be happy and peaceful and I am going to teach my children to be happy and peaceful in the process.

Parenting two children that are 15 years apart can be a challenge!  I have decided that I need to alter my expectations of parenting, I have parented my teenager for 15 years and the parenting style I have with him is quite different than the one needed for the baby.  The movement of my curious little mind has decreased many things I have come to love in life.  My independence is no longer, relaxation and reflection, what's that?  Even the time I took to chat with people has been minimized.  I don't want to see these as losses, but they are going to be different now and I have to learn to embrace the difference.  I often have to switch back and forth from parenting a teenager to parenting a baby, this is where I often have difficulty because sometimes my frustration with my teenager can overshadow parenting my baby and vice versa... I need to find a balance.  I need to learn how to be more mindful and aware of my own emotions before I can create an environment that everyone can be happy to be in.  I strive to be happy and whole, to be a good role model for my kids but there are times that I catch myself in an intense emotional state in certain situations which I would like to change not only for myself, but for my children and the rest of the people within my environment. 

Thus, I joined a "Peaceful Parenting Challenge" on facebook that I am hoping will help me to become... well... a more peaceful parent for both my children.  This week was the first week, and the first challenge is Creating Awareness where we identify our triggers by writing down situations where we had an intense emotional reaction to something.  I have to say, this was not easy for me this week as I was home for a couple days in the beginning and then flew to the East Coast for the remainder of the week.  I didn't have any intense emotional reactions to anything other than the printer not working the way it should when I was trying to print off my boarding passes at home, this created great frustration for me as I have the expectation that when I want my technology to work, it will.  I tried thinking of situations in the last couple weeks where I had intense emotional reactions and though there hasn't been many because I truly try to live a peaceful life already... the common trigger is my EXPECTATIONS.  If I allow myself to have expectations, when they do not get fulfilled, it creates an emotional reaction within my brain and this transfers into my behavior.  I already knew this, and know that having expectations of any day, any situation, any thing can end in disappointment creating sad, angry, resentment or frustrated emotions.  The solution then is to not have any expectations!  Easy!  Right?  Not as easy as you think, because having expectations can also induce happiness, excitedness and fulfillment, and who doesn't want those emotions!?  Though if I can remember that we can also get these emotions when we don't have expectations, resulting in being delightfully amused by day to day surprises that we don't expect.  It just seems to easy when you say it but I know it is not and I still have alot of work to do to. 

So my goal for the next week is to be more aware of my emotions, hold back the reactions that the emotions create (especially for the ones I love) and to try not to carry too much expectations into my days.  Thanks for joining me on this journey of becoming a more peaceful person, thus a more peaceful parent which will create peaceful children.  Below you can find links to other blogs from parents who are also challenging themselves to become more peaceful.  Enjoy!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

Balancing being a stay-at-home-mom & working from home – Sarah from Prenatal to Parenting realizes her home base business and mommy duties don’t mix well.

My Top Card - Amber from Strocel.com shares her experience attending the Peaceful Parenting Mini Retreat.

Peaceful Parenting Challenge Week 1 - Katrina from Kalem Photography explores her expectations on herself and asking for help.

Peaceful Parenting Challenge Week 1: Awareness – Jennifer from The Children’s Directory talks about her frustrations over getting out the door and dinner time.

Emotional Highs and Lows of Parenting  – Verena from Memory Maker Events talks about the emotional highs and lows of parenting.

Peaceful Parenting Challenge Week 1 - Kathryn from Curiosity and the Kat is reminded about checking her “stuff” at the door before dealing with her twins.

The Two Faced Mom in search of peace - Loly from My Journey Home chats about expectations.

Week #1 Suddenly aware of all this anger… - Michelle from My Peaceful Parenting becomes aware of her anger.

Week 1 Triggers and Emotions -Amanda from Family and Baby Sign Language describes her physical response to intense emotions.

Ricky at Daddy Blogger reflects on how peaceful the first year of his daughter’s life was and wonders where all that peace has gone.

Birthday reflections..

Yesterday was my 34th birthday... it was an amazing birthday, I am so so lucky to have the people I have in my life but also took some time to reflect on the things I need to improve upon or let go of...

The news of someone's passing was the first to be read on my facebook, so very sad it is to read that someone's loved one is gone, lost their life in a tragic accident.  Reminds me much of my father's passing, a time that is so hard to think about when I was so young, a tragic accident took him away from us too.  A few facebook posts later I read that a baby has been born, a baby girl, my little niece, Emileen, named after her Grandmother who too passed suddenly not that long ago.

While I celebrate my life and reflect the good, the bad, the ugly (though I try not to spend too much time thinking of the bad nor the ugly) in my short (and sometimes long) 34 years, I think about how short and precious life can be and want to share something I feel is an important lesson that I learned over the years.
I am so very lucky to be in a very happy place in my life.  I have an amazing partner to share it with, a teenage boy who can be such a pain in the butt sometimes but he's still my baby that I am so proud of for everything he is, a baby boy who is so darn curious, full of energy and wants to see, touch and taste the world, he is teaching me alot about myself that I didn't know yet.  We share our home with our two teenage homestay students, one from China and one from Korea, who are both very nice young men enjoying their life here with hopes and dreams of continuing their studies in Canada for many years to come.  Then there's our two dogs, who have graciously (ok maybe not so graciously) allowed a new baby to take over much of their territory in the house.

I know how lucky I am to be here, but it wasn't an easy journey as you know if you have read my earlier blog posts... which I know there is still much to share.  Life can be very hard, but if you know how to deal with it, it does get easier.  Every situation that you are presented with are there for a reason, for you to learn and grow from it.  If every choice, decision, situation was easy... what would we know?  Not a lot.  Life throws lemons on purpose, we can either be sour and bitter about them, or we can take them, add some water and a little sugar to sweeten them up.  It is really all in how you want to deal with it.  Sometimes it is easier just to be sour and bitter, but in the long run... the negative energy will make life even more difficult.  You can choose to be happy, choose the good, positive energy and this will help you get through anything.  Really!  It will... I promise.  So next time you are in a situation that is difficult, try, just try to look at the positive side of things, embrace the lesson that the situation is teaching you and enjoy the fact that you have learned something new about yourself.  Life gets easier the more you choose happy.  So simple, yet so hard for some.  But I know you can do it, and when everyone can do this, the world will be a much better place.

So while one life ended today and another began... remember that you are still very much alive right now and if it ended suddenly, would you be happy with your life so far?  If not, go do something about it!  Choose happy!  Yes, it is a choice!

Welcoming Hunter

Planning for a "normal" birthing time (AKA labour and delivery) is somewhat challenging, you have preferences of how and where you want to have a baby, whether or not you want drugs for pain, how you want the baby to be treated when they arrive, etc.  I was planning what they call a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) because David was delivered through a cesarean section because I was told that was just how it had to be because he was breech and had no education around what my options were.  For this pregnancy and delivery, I was determined to have it differently than the last and know what my options were ahead of time and make educated decisions on everything that comes up.  We decided to take a Hypnobabies prenatal class to prepare us for the birth of our baby.  Hypnobabies is a way of reprogramming our minds to think positive about birthing a baby and teaches us how to use self hypnosis relaxation techniques that will help to get through the birthing time.  It's a little known fact that birthing babies is not easy, hence why it is called "labour", and this class better prepares you for the work that is ahead.  It is wider known from stories you hear that birthing babies is very painful and this scares many of us women about what is to come.  The unknown is scary, so hypnobabies helps to take the unknown out of the equation.  I wanted to have a "normal" drug free VBAC, that was my preference but as with many things in life, it did not go as planned.


Hunter Wilson Bennett joined us on September 25, 2012 at 7:52am after 32 hours of labour that started at 1am on Monday morning.  It was a very long road for both myself and Clayton.  He was 6 days late and weighed 9 pounds 7.5 ounces.  He was not in a favorable position for birthing and my labour started out in my back that is known as "back labour" and got progressively more intense as the night went on.  

Labouring at home went pretty well, we used hypnobabies techniques to relax and breathe through pressure waves (AKA contractions) however some waves were so intense that they made me vomit, I wasn't expecting that.  Clayton helped by reading hypnobabies scripts, getting me to relax through each wave and timing them, he got me water and snacks.  We stayed home until 6:30am when we decided to go to the hospital for an assessment.  At 7:30am, they sent me home because I was only dilated 1cm and the baby was not in a good position.  We went home and continued using relaxation techniques to try and breathe through the pressure in my back.

I got into the bathtub because it gave me a little break from the intensity of the pressure in my back but I think this slowed down any progress.  Baby still wasn't moving from the position he was in from the beginning.  We decided to head back to the hospital.  I was assessed around 4:30pm and was dilated 3cm and baby had not moved.  This news was very discouraging after 14.5 hours, however we got settled into our room and prepared for another long night.  

Every other pressure wave was very intense in my back and I would have a short break in between.  It was around this time that I was offered gas to take the edge off the pressure, I took the gas to see if it worked.  It did take the edge off the smaller less intense ones however, not the more intense ones.  It also helped regulate my breathing through them but I was getting very tired and on the verge of giving up.  We had a hot bath that gave me a little break.  My midwife suggested we try acupuncture to see if that would get baby to move, we thought we would give it a try and an acupuncturist that was also a doula came to the hospital to do some work.  Some of the intensity was taken away by acupuncture but not totally which I was hoping it would.

Another assessment took place and I was around 4cm dilated, baby still had not changed his position.  It was around 8:30pm, I had a good cry, talked to Clayton and decided that plans had to change and we discussed what our options were for pain management.  My midwife, nurse and Clayton felt that I had given it a good go so far, I on the other hand felt like I was giving up and was feeling a little proud to turn to pain medication but didn't think I could go any further without it.  I needed to rest and build up my stamina to push this baby out and Clayton also needed a rest, so we opted for the epidural.  In the meantime, I was given a couple shots of fentenol until the anesthesiologist could get there.  Once I was given the epidural, my water was broken, oxytocin was started and we were able to rest... I could still feel the back pressure waves but they were nowhere near as intense.  

At midnight, my nurse went for her break and the relief nurse checked on my "blocks" before my nurse left.  She thought that my epidural was too high up my chest and proceeded to turn down my epidural.  My nurse told her that she talked to the anesthesiologist and not to turn it lower than 10.  When my nurse returned, the pressure was returning in my back and due to oxytocin, were more intense than they were before the epidural started.  Unfortunately, the relief nurse had turned the epidural too low and the freezing had went away on half of my body, including half of the cervix that was swollen on one side and dilated to about 8cm.  Baby was finally in a better position but resting was not an option, the epidural was not working anymore and the nurse couldn't get it back to what it was.  The anesthesiologist had to be called back to fix it.  By the time it was somewhat regulated again, I was starting to feel pushy, my midwife arrived to assess and I began pushing around 6:30am.  I felt everything that was happening, I got up in a squatting position and was given a birthing chair to sit on.  The waves were intense and difficult to the point where I didn't want to do it anymore.  I would get discouraged every wave because it would feel like he was coming out but the wave would end and he was not there.  It was very hard for me to keep going, but at the same time I just wanted it to end.    

Hunter arrived at 7:52am and was immediately placed on my chest... I was so relieved to have him out and the next few minutes were a blur.  Our relief and happiness that he was here turned to fear and sadness when our baby wasn't breathing on his own.  The nurse pressed a button and we were warned alot of people were going to enter the room... about 8 nurses came in at once and took baby away to the big contraption in the corner.  As one nurse took him, I saw he was a boy and told them his name was Hunter, the next couple minutes seemed like forever as the nurses helped him breathe on his own by giving him oxygen and massaging his chest.  He started to cry and we were happy all over again that he was ok, he was brought back over to me and Clayton and I were crying tears of joy as we looked at our boy who was looking back at us.  We were told he did have a heart beat, he just needed some help to take his first breath... I would never wish that on anyone, it was the scariest moment of my life fearing my baby boy was not going to breathe.

So, overall, I did get to have a VBAC, it was not how I "planned" it but it was all totally worth it no matter how haywire it went.  Hunter is a beautiful little man that Clayton, David and I are so happy to have in our lives.

Happiness comes to those that wait

Now I know that I haven't quite finished my story about being a young Mom and the struggles I went through being a young Mom to my boy... and in time, I am sure the words will come to me and I can finish the story but for now, I have a new story to share with you... my second pregnancy 14 years after the birth of my son... how exciting is that!?  Even more exciting is that my baby is due on David's 15th birthday.

I am the first to admit that I was the biggest nay sayer when people asked if I was ever going to have any more children, you could hear me saying things like, "why would I start all over again now?" or "one is enough!" and it wasn't until I met Clayton that I reconsidered my decision.  It turns out that it wasn't that I didn't want more children, it was that I didn't have the right person to share the joy of more children with and I sure as hell wasn't doing it alone again!

I met Clayton a little over a year ago at a party and fell madly in love with him the moment we met.  It's a disgusting story that people (including me) would say never happens to anyone but for us, it is real and it forever changed my opinion about meeting that one person that you will "just know" when you meet them.  He walked into the party and was preparing an appy that he had brought, I couldn't stop myself from going over and introducing myself, it was like a magnet sucking me in... haha... cheesy but true story!  From that moment on the connection was so strong between us that people at the party that didn't know us thought we were a couple, it was a strange moment in my life.  I had just spent a few fabulous days in Vegas on a "single girls" trip and was feeling pretty good about being single and wouldn't you know it, single-ness ended that weekend I met Clayton.  I still say for all you single women (and men) out there, you have to love yourself and be happy with yourself before you ever love anyone else, these things really happen!  We saw each other everyday until I left for a 24 day trip to Nova Scotia to spend Christmas holidays with my family.  We spoke to each other every day through text, and we would call each other once in a while.  The love was strong between us, even in the early days.  I returned home and we resumed seeing each other every day... he would come see me at work, then come see me after work, I would hang out with his dogs while he was at work, he would eventually move in with David to stay with him while I was away in Victoria training for my new job as a social worker, then he and the dogs officially moved in with us.  It wasn't long after that we were trying for a baby... a very exciting adventure to start yet another new chapter in life.

So now here I am, 22 weeks pregnant with my second baby.  14 years after the first... wow... it's pretty amazing how much you forget about growing a little person in your body, mind you... if we think back, I had just found out I was pregnant with David 3 weeks ago and it was still sinking in.  I don't know how I didn't know, my body must have been very different then because the first few months of this pregnancy made it very obvious that I was pregnant.  I couldn't BELIEVE how tired I was, all I wanted to do was sleep... thinking back to David, I am pretty sure that's all I did then too when I wasn't out partying.  I wasn't sick, but didn't have an appetite and actually lost about 12 pounds in the first few months.  Then I got a sinus infection that lasted a month, then the headaches... oh my god the headaches were the worst.  Crazy how much your body changes over time.  Around 17 weeks I started to feel better, sinus infection went away, headaches eventually subsided and my appetite came back, though I still can't have hamburgers or any meat that is just by itself.  I caught a cold last week and that is slowly making it's way out too.

We just had our second ultrasound and baby is growing wonderfully, he/she is healthy and happy, we don't want to find out the gender because we are looking forward to one of the only surprises left in natural life.  People try to guess based on heart rates, the way my belly sits, etc but I don't really know... it changes from day to day whether I think it's a girl or a boy.  Turns out they didn't want us to know anyway because the ultrasound technician said baby was covering his or her mid parts for the whole scan.

I think it is mind blowing that we female humans can grow another human inside our body and how quickly it turns from a tiny little cell into a baby... totally amazing don't you think!?  Mind you there are days that I am feeling anxious and wanting baby to come out already, but then I take a few deep breaths and try to enjoy the process.  I can't wait until he or she is born, I am so excited to be able to focus on my family for once and be able to enjoy pregnancy and our baby, this is why they tell you to wait when you are younger, this is what my brother was talking about when I was pregnant with David.  Like anything else in life, you need to be in a stable place mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically (and financially helps but not necessarily) to truly enjoy things that come your way, and I am so so looking forward to this.  David is a huge part of my journey though, obviously if it wasn't for him, I may not have gotten the motivation to get my ass in gear and I did enjoy his childhood, but I was also juggling going back to high school, university and trying to find my place in this big world while trying to be the best mother I could be to him.  It wasn't until a few years ago when I was able to slow down with the career building and be in a place that we were comfortable to just be, be with each other, enjoy our time together and enjoy our time apart.  David is an amazing young man, I am very lucky to have him in my life and he is the most solid piece of evidence I have that things really happen for a reason.  He is going to be a great big brother and great helper for Mom.  Clayton will be an amazing father, I know this because he already is to David and I am just tickled pink to be so lucky to have David, Clayton and this new little one in my life... happiness really does come to those that wait...

All my relations :)

Spirit of a Man

I have been thinking alot about my father lately... so he has inspired me to write today.  I don't know what I am going to write about but it's a nice quiet Sunday morning and it's been a while since I wrote anything so let's see what I come up with...

I thought of you today, just as I do everyday
I thought about the times when we would go out on adventures, seemingly leaving our cares behind.  I remembered a time that we were driving home in the night and we saw a great light in the sky, you turned to me with a smile and said, "what could that be in the sky ahead?"  I was intrigued to explore but it was close to bedtime, you said, "it's ok, it will only take a minute".  I watched the wonderment in your eyes and I remember it making me feel so excited... it wasn't until later that I realized what that was but at the time I could barely sit in my seat because the anticipation of what we were going to find was too much to bare.  I thank your wonderful spirit for sharing the gift of adventure.

I thought of you today, just as I do everyday
I thought about the times when I would fall asleep on the couch watching TV with you and I would pretend to stay asleep when you reached around me, picked me up and carried me to my bed.  My eyes would be closed and I would keep my body limp so you wouldn't think I was awake and make me walk to my bed.  Your warmth and strength to carry me to bed, lay me down, and tuck my blankets over my little body made me feel so loved and cared for as you kissed my cheek and said you loved me even though you thought I was asleep.  You would turn and walk to the door, before turning back and checking on me.  I would quietly say that I loved you too as you shut the door.  I thank your wonderful spirit for sharing the gift of love and kindness.

I thought of you today, just as I do everyday
I thought about the times we would go fishing together, we would drive all over the place looking for the off beaten path that leads us to fishing creeks and holes that have rarely been fished.  You pull up, park and smile and say, "I feel good about this one!" as you got out of the car, got your gear and we both trekked down to the water together.  I watched you with amazement and hoped that you were going to catch something to make you smile even more.  You would cast off your line and take a seat or sometimes you would stand.  If you didn't get any nibbles after the first few casts, you would pack your gear up and say, "I guess this wasn't the one!"  You didn't give up as we carried on driving from water hole to water hole not catching a thing half the time until dark came and it was time to go home.  You would still be happy even if you didn't catch anything because you enjoyed the adventure of finding a fishing hole and giving it a try.  I thank your wonderful spirit for sharing the gift of never giving up and always smiling even if things don't go your way.

I thought of you today, just as I do everyday
I thought about the times I would go to work with you when you were on call on the weekends.  I would get to walk around the mine right behind you while you were checking whatever it was you were checking.  We would go to your office and you would let me sit in your chair and color while you worked on whatever you were working on.  I felt important being in your chair and remember thinking, someday I would have a chair and a desk and be important just like you were.  I would color you a picture and give it to you and then watch you smile at it, then proudly put it on your bulletin board for everyone to see on Monday.  I thank your wonderful spirit for sharing the gift of being proud of my accomplishments no matter how big or small.

I thought of you today, just as I do everyday
I thought about the times you would wake me up on a Sunday morning and tell me that we were going for a drive.  I would grab my blanket and a couple of toys to bring with me as I crawled in the backseat of the car and prepared for another long drive to where ever you decided we would end up that day.  I remember hating long drives and always getting car sick so most of the time I would just sleep.  You would wake me up to ask me what I wanted from Tim Horton's and my answer was always the same, but you always checked just in case I changed my mind that day.  We would end up somewhere beautiful on the ocean or in the forest.  I thank your wonderful spirit for the gift of appreciating mother earth and all she has to offer.

I thought of you today, just as I do everyday
I thought about the dark times we had in Venezuela when I would hate to see you come home and cause the pain in my mother's eyes.  I would try to ignore the fact that you were not totally with us at this time and try to make the best of the situation not only for myself but for my mother who was hurting so much.  I didn't see your smile anymore and wondered where you had gone.  You had lost your adventure, your kindness, your smile, your pride, yourself.  I was mourning the loss of the spirit of the man that had taught me so much and wished that you would just come back to us.  It wasn't until we left that you realized what you lost, you were going to find yourself again and I am sure you would have come back to us but Creator had other plans for you.  I thank your wonderful spirit for sharing the gift of pain and hurt and most of all, forgiveness.

I thought of today, just as I do everyday
I thought about the times that I feel you with me, listening to my worries and making sure I know you are there for me.  I think about all the great things you have taught me and wonder if I have made you proud throughout the years.  It's been almost 18 years since you left us, I can't believe it's been so long... so many things have happened in my life since then that may not have happened had I not experienced your teachings in life and in death.  I know you are proud of me, and my brothers too.  I continue to feel your strength, warmth, love, kindness and your smile as your spirit sits beside me through every happy and sad moment in my life.  I thank your wonderful spirit for carrying on in me and in my boy who carries your name.  I love you very much Daddy and will never forget these teachings from such a wonderful spirit of a man.

My apologies, it has been far too long since I wrote a post... to be honest, the words are not coming to me... my life experiences and stories are all jumbled in my head and sometimes it is hard to get it out, maybe it's my subconscious telling me to slow down the story, now may not be the time to tell it.  It is a very personal story that I know I am taking a risk by sharing it with the world but the reason I do it always overpowers any conflicts I may have about telling it... the fact that I could reach out, shape my words into a hand and help someone up off their knees because they feel the pain that I have felt or have faced the challenges I have faced.  If my words, so simple yet so complicated, can support even one person reading them to keep going for another day, another week, another month in the face of adversity... then they are so worth it. 

I have been really busy lately with work and home life, it has been hard to find time outside of work, family and personal time.  The summer comes to a quick and abrupt end as David goes back to school and we gained another family member in the house, my 17 year old nephew has moved in with us from Winnipeg who is also going to school.  He reminds me a little of myself, he moved away from his friends and family to get a fresh start, finish school and re-prioritize... it takes alot of guts to do that, but us Olszowiec's seem to have those rock hard guts that keep us going :)  He is a very quiet kind of guy, has a really nice smile when you see it and he loves his movies and games.  David just turned 14 and he is a special young man, very sweet and funny (but only when HE wants to be or wants something... haha)... I am very blessed.

So funny to think back to this time last year, it was just me and D... since then my family has grown to include my amazing, super sweet hunny, Clayton, his two dogs, Duke and Bella and now my nephew... Bella and I are the only girls, but I think we hold down the fort pretty good... however, we may need to add another girl soon ;)  Life and emotions change so quickly... it's almost impossible to give up because you just never know when things will change for you.

Always remember to never have any regrets because you can't change the past, learn from your mistakes and apologize where you need to but it's ok to politely take a stand for what you believe in.  People come into your life for a reason, they may not be in your life for long or they may be there to the very end, either way you should always remember the great times and great teachings you get from them and smile, you are a much better person having had them in your life.  I hope you all have a fabulous day and weekend ahead.  I will try to be back soon.

All my relations :)